Seriously

 

In a conversation about joy, I drifted off in a thought about how I associate being "serious" with

being "taken seriously". You have to be the former to achieve the latter. Discuss...

Women of a similar age to me grew up not being taken seriously in our endeavours. "Women's things" were defined by men, trivialised, and so we were too. Raised by parents who hadn't ever received the feminism memo, the only chance we stood of being taken seriously - and again, I mean by men because they were always the gatekeepers - was to be "serious".

What does that even mean? To me, being taken seriously meant being respected. Held in high (or even some) regard. Seen as having worth and standing. Making a good fist of trying to be more like one of the chaps.

Was that what I wanted? Is it still? Respect, regard, bestowed worth and a stab at a place in the patriarchy? No. A thousand times no. (And note how these words float to the surface: fist, stab... Interesting.)

This takes me to a phrase that sounded in my head while I was thinking about my Word of the Year back in December. I heard (and I really did hear it), "Let people love you." Not "Get people to love you because you neeeeeeed it", but "Let people love you." Unclench, breathe, relax, open.

That feels very uncomfortable which is why it's such a clear memory. It's like a red Final Notice lying unopened on the table; I can't not see it but I can not act on it. At least until there's a crisis. That's kind of my M.O.

But if I replace "be taken seriously" with "let people love you" I act differently. I am not serious. I am not behaving in a way that's acceptable to male gatekeepers while hiding my true (obviously trivial) nature. I am Me. Joyful, ridiculous, compassionate, vulnerable, loving, brave, clever, funny, intolerant and grumpy, naive, frequently 'absent' in a day dream. I am a whole person who experiences joy because who the hell wouldn't with all those experiences and feelings to dance in?

Another aspect of this exploration is less about the patriarchy and more about the parents. When it felt, as a young child, that love was suddenly withdrawn (because young parents are still finding themselves, and sometimes there is collateral damage, and collaterally damaged you doesn't understand) you believe that somehow you became unloveable. That there's no point asking or expecting love because even your own parents couldn't keep it up, so unworthy of love were you.

That's too painful to live with, so dismiss love. You don't get to have that. Choose being taken seriously. Be fucking serious when people are watching. Even though it's crippling you. The only things you ever do that will be acknowledged and valued will be serious things, because being a Silly Little Girl was clearly just annoying everyone.

Here I am, understanding that these beliefs - created by a supersmart but young child who was trying her darndest to solve a problem - were at best, some kind of coping strategy that should've got me through for a while. But it really didn't. Ever. Yet I've been trying it again and again for fifty bloody years.

So no more holding "serious" as my North Star. I am actively seeking joy and laughter and that little skip of a heartbeat when something lights a spark in you. I'm picking up where I got dropped off at about nine years old, so a lot of what I'm finding is playful and I am good with that.

It's all a little strange and uneasy but I'm a very grown woman now and afraid of no one's opinions. I get to be nine and fifty nine at the same time! That is a whole person. And I am letting myself love her.

(That's seven year old me up there, with a haircut by my mother. Thanks Mum.)